I’ve been living through my to-do list for the past year, or I hope it’s only been that long. Everything I do is on “the list”, my list, yet not really mine. Whenever anything I want to do comes up in my head, I write it down on my to-do list. It’s synced with my phone and PC, so it’s always right in front of me, daring me to cross it off. It doesn’t matter how small or inconsequential it is, if I need to do it it goes on the list. This has been my routine for the past year or so.

I had something to do every free second. I know for some this might sound like a nightmare, but I was actually loving it. I was at my most productive phase, where nothing could go past me without me making the best of it. You know how when you do something productive and you feel like you’re getting ahead and beating life? Well that was me everyday. It was a high like none other. But like always, I took it too far.

Why be so productive? So that you can enjoy your free time stress free right? Well that is what I had hoped as well, but it turned out contradictory. Whenever I got free time, instead of enjoying the time doing something I loved, I was indecisive, glued to the predefined to-do list. It’s a weird state of unknowingness where you’re unable to act in the present as you have become chained to the tasks set by your past, or the lack of. When the to-do list was empty, I felt empty as well. So to cope I set tasks for the future. It’s a vicious cycle. One with productivity to gain and joy to loss.

I wish I had an immediate solution for this that I could show off right now. I wish I could have gloated over my triumph but as with everything, the answer is a work in progress. The unknown gray zone of balance between “things you have to do” and “things you want to do” is the answer. Having structure in one’s life, yet not always sticking with a plan is a skill I wish to acquire in this sooner, rather than later. Funnily the lesson my to-do taught me was it’s sometimes necessary to not do something and just waste time.

This post Living Life Through A To-Do List first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU

It was a pleasant day, sunny outside, hot air blowing into my room. I was lying diagonally in my bed, one leg dangling at the corner, watching the blades of my ceiling fan move out of my vision, one after another. Many things yearned my attention. I could read a book, play a game, watch a movie, or even go for a walk. I was looking forward to this day, but maybe I woke up on the wrong side of bed, or maybe I envisioned this day differently. No matter, I was frozen, engulfed in my own thoughts of nothingness. Bad thoughts, good thoughts, weird thoughts, all mixed into one. I wanted to bury myself into a burrow and wake up again on the same day. Alas, there I lie, watching my ceiling fan.

This feeling of being sucked out from my own body, just to watch myself in third person as I lie in bed, was an undesired feeling that materialized only in the past few years. What gave birth to this abomination? I’m not really sure. It might have been the growing responsibilities of adulthood and will pass as I get older, or maybe it was this new lone wolf facade that I so proudly wear and will pass after I build new relationships, or maybe I always felt like this at times, and I just didn’t know the words to express it and is something I have to learn to live with.

It still feels weird saying I have anxiety. Maybe it’s because I’m self diagnosed and a part of me feels like I’m lying to myself for attention. I’m certain it’s not just overthinking as I also know what that feels like. Everyone feels anxious I know, but I have “bad anxiety”, the thing that’s hard to explain. Perhaps I lie somewhere along the anxiety spectrum or maybe this is something completely different. Nevertheless, I use the word “anxiety”, as it’s the only word that kind of encapsulates my feelings, and it also inadvertently puts me at ease because of the false feeling of control.

The cause and complexities regarding my anxiety is for my future therapist to solve. All I can do right now is cope with it. As I see it, a bad day, so that a good day can follow. I don’t know why I’m writing this blog, as I don’t know what I’m trying to convey with this. Maybe I just wanted to get this out of my chest or maybe I’m writing this to let others on the same boat, know they’re not alone. That, it’s okay to feel these things, to not have an answer and to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I don’t have an answer but just know you’re not alone, as I’m not alone.

This post Anxiety first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU

I am a slave to my human brain and its evolutionary need to mate, breed and exist.

I am a slave to this physical body I was given, without consent.

I am a slave to how my parents raised me and the blood we share.

I am a slave to the values, culture and country I was born into.

I am a slave to the social norms to act and behave a certain way.

I am a slave to the need to work and earn paper.

I want to, but I can’t.

I want to feel love without all its attached strings.

I want to be free from the constant struggle to maintain my body.

I want to decide the things I inherit and not have it picked for me.

I want to think without any subconscious bias or stereotypes.

I want to be free from human expectations and expect none from others.

I want to do what I love, and not care for its paper value.

I want to, but I can’t.

This post I want to, but I can’t. first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU

This was a surprising year, one I couldn’t have seen coming, but I say that with delight though. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been outside for the past 2 years and forgotten how busy, chaotic and fun life was or maybe this is just one of those special years. This might sound weird, but this has to be the first year that I was fully aware of. I know, sounds stupid, but let me explain. For me, years come and go, I never gave a second thought to the months passing and didn’t understand the fuss around “a revolution around the sun“. I still don’t, but I understand the value of a year, as an idea of progress, a time frame to look back on to remember the things accomplished and the things that changed.

Apart from the existential definition of a year that I just discovered, a lot of things happened this year, some good, some bad, you know how life goes by now. I had one of the best starts to this year, one that I would never forget, and one that I would like to keep private. As the days passed I experienced the last-quarantine* covid had to offer in January. This final quarantine was crucial as it was then, when I started reading financial books and decided to finally take my financial future into my own hands. I read 6 books and made a nice ordered list for those interested in getting started (read HERE). I also gained a lot of knowledge about this domain throughout the year while researching about investing and money in general which I intend on sharing more about on this blog.

As I want this post to be finite, I’ll run through a few more note-worthy things from my life that happened this year. This website you’re reading on right now, was also a big part of this year and I have explained why so in a separate post (read HERE). I started to learn and love cooking as a hobby. The truth is, I never liked and still don’t like eating that much, but cooking for some reason feels therapeutic, but more importantly the feeling you get when someone else enjoys your food is truly something special. I also made quite a few important realizations in my personal life which came out of nowhere but decided to stick around. I unfortunately lost a few best friends, which always sucks but I learned life has to move on. And finally, I got a much needed dose of dopamine which definitely shook some things around.

Going back to the definition of a year. I think I came to the realization as a product of my previous new year’s resolutions, them being to write a weekly journal and another daily journal called “Homework for life”, which was inspired by Matthew Dicks from his book Storyworthy. I think, looking back on these journals and remembering the highlights from each month made me realize how much happened this year. I can’t say the same for any of the previous years, as there will be one or two things from the entire year that I define the year by, but this year just seems more full, which I love. For this reason, I will definitely be continuing the journals for the next year.

I already have a good feeling about 2023. I know it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows, but I can feel the highs will be worth the lows. Apart from a few, I kept up all my previous year’s resolutions throughout the year, the few I couldn’t complete includes, reading 50 books, meditating daily and learning a new skill each month. For next year, I am going to continue all the previous ones, try to complete the ones I missed and add a few extra ones. Those few being, starting a SIP (Systematic Investment Plan), going out more and learning to do more things on my own, to name a few. Also I want my resolutions to be somewhat dynamic and change as the year goes on, which I think will be interesting. To end this long post, here is my 2022 year’s montage as promised in my previous year’s resolution, hope you guys like it.

Song – La thune – Angèle

This post 2022 first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU

Never in a million years, did I ever imagine writing will become one of my hobbies, one of my favorite ones at that. It has been an entire year since I started writing, and I’m happy to say I have no intention of stopping. This is going to be an extension of a previous post which I made after only a month of blogging (read HERE). Everything I said in it still holds, but I wanted to add a few more points to it since a few things have changed, like this blog no longer being my little secret and having a few more eyes on it.

Well, let’s start with the big one, it being the change from blogger to my own domain. It was an impulsive yet, well thought decision. I wanted my own website badly but I still wasn’t sure of my writing skills, so I wondered if it would be worth the price. Nevertheless, I spent the money and built this website, so that I wouldn’t back out and stick with this hobby. Fortunately, It worked out and I’m glad I enjoy writing and have a website I can call mine. Moreover, having my own website was the push I needed to tell others of my blog.

A few friends who knew of my blog before, said I should publicize it more, but again self doubt stopped me. But having my own website made me take that leap and I’m happy to report the reactions were positive and I’m glad I did it. I got quite a few wholesome reactions from different people from friends, family, and strangers, that ultimately motivated me to write more. One special comment I want to highlight is from a person from Argentina who commented on my Steam profile saying my post about our educational system (read HERE) helped them. I had a stupid smile while reading this and I love that they could relate to my opinion even half way across the globe. Here’s the comment:

One of my goals for this year was to post 2 blog posts a month. Happy to say, I’m on the victory lap as this post you’re reading will be the second last post of this year. The final one being my year review, similar to what I did last year (2021 review). I’m glad I kept this pace of 2 blogs per month and didn’t post more. Because for one, It made the goal more doable, anything more than 2 in hindsight would have made this a job and not a hobby. I say this as there were many times along the year where I wanted to break the routine and post more, because I had extra content. But because I stuck with it, the extra content came in useful when I had busy months where I couldn’t write.

In respect to writing, I can feel my writing skills improving with each post. This struck me when I recently read few of my first posts and saw how bad I was. I know, I’ll probably read the blogs I’m writing right now, a few years in the future and think the same, but that only means I’m improving. Also, ever since I took blogging seriously, my mind has been bombarded with great ideas. The thing I love is how, I’ll suddenly get an epiphany, which by the time I’ve finished writing about, will change how I view different aspects of my life. I’m currently sitting on dozens of ideas which I can’t wait to write about.

What do I have in store for my blog for 2023 you ask? Well, more of everything. I intend on sticking with the 2 posts a month, as it seems to work perfectly with my other schedules. I am thinking of writing more about personal finance as it is something I’m quite interested in these days. Apart from that, I will be writing about things as they come around. I also don’t intend on putting any ads on my website, so I decided to put a “donate” link on the homepage, which redirects to my PayPal, this is for anyone who really likes my content and would like to tip a coin or two. So all-in-all, pretty great start to a lifelong hobby.

This post One Year Of Blogging first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU

I was a sheep. After high-school I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I mostly blame myself for not getting out there, experiencing and experimenting with what I love and didn’t. Instead I sat there, gloomy after a failed attempt at a relationship, with a handful of other sheep friends. I was directionless, you could’ve pointed me to the sky and I would’ve followed it blindly thinking that was the path I should follow.

Engineering seemed right. Right, according to society, according to my parents and according to everyone else, except me, unfortunately. It was a 4 year professional degree with not much to lose, I thought. Best case scenario, I love engineering, worst case scenario I hate these 4 years and end up with a piece of paper with my name on it. Unfortunately, what I failed to comprehend then was, how long these 4 years were going to be.

I should have explored my options, taken a leap of faith, tried to find a passion, or at least, find an interesting field to get educated in. But there I was, learning why a semicolon was necessary to end each line, wishing I had a semicolon to end each day. It wasn’t that I hated everything about engineering, it’s the outdated curriculum, the rat race for marks and my soulless college that got me. I was tired of this educational system, tired of studying about stuff I’m not passionate about. This was a vicious cycle that started in high school that stuck onto me like a leech, sucking every drop of life within me.

The bigger problem was me, I am not an idler, never was and never will be. Even if you give me something that is the least of my interest or the hardest thing ever, I’m going to give it my 100% and aim for perfection. Because of this, this double edged sword, I was chained to my curriculum for the past 4 years, not able to set my mind on anything else. I was a slave to my own perfectionism, studying away for that perfect score which I knew, meant nothing.

At the beginning, I was just tired. Tired each day, to go to college, wishing it was 4:30 while it was just 9:30. But it was then, that covid struck. Saying “covid saved me” is a comical joke, but it did, in a way. Almost 2 years of college gone in the blink of an eye. Yes, online classes were a thing, but minimize is also a key. I learned more about myself in isolation, than I ever would have in college. I didn’t find my passion, but I finally got the time to try to find it. That is what I needed, time alone to understand myself, understand my options and understand the path I am journeying. As things got back offline, I started off with a new found knowledge. I don’t have the solution yet, but now I know I have what it takes to find it.

This post Engineering first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU

This one’s a bit personal. Life teaches you a lot of lessons, a few obvious, a few hard to comprehend. I’ve been taught this lesson for many years now, yet I’m still in the process of understanding it. The truth being, you can’t change the people you care about for the better.. if they are to change, they’re the one who has to make the choice.

I am, and always will be one of those people that always reinforce the ones close to me to do better, to have higher goals and to be their best self’s. Ever since I could remember I was always that friend that was ready to help the ones close to me, let it be with their academics, relationships or life in general. I always had something to add and had their best interest at heart. I made constant effort to give them everything I could offer, only expecting them to make use of it. But the unfortunate truth is most of my efforts never panned out. 

I have this unhealthy habit of getting too involved in the people close to me. Not in a creepy way, but I always look forward for their best interest and make constant efforts for their betterment. This is a boon and bane, something that is admirable but also something that causes me great pain. Imagine your friend, family or loved one asking for help and giving it your all, your time, effort, metal stress just to see it put aside, it hurts. Getting involved, includes watching them rise or fall, and unfortunately even if you give them the recipe for success on a golden platter, they might just walk over it. 

The balance of giving your opinion, but not expecting them to be heard, is something I’ve only just got acquainted with. I don’t know if this is the right solution but I’ve gotten a peace of mind that I wasn’t familiar with. Sharing your knowledge that they might not own, and not regurgitating and leaving the follow up to them, if they need any, was the unseen balance line that I was looking for. As easy as it is to say, it’s not, in practice. But I’ve gotten better at it with time and it’s something I’m proud about.

I’m getting ahead of myself, everything I’ve mentioned isn’t common to everyone I know. Its a human trait, and one which even I struggle with. This awful trait that whenever others try to help us or give their honest opinion from their experience, we think we know better. I have struggled with this mostly relating to my parents, how I always thought I knew better growing up. But now I know, I’ll never know better and that’s okay. Moreover I learned we should never hold on to any believes religiously, instead we should give others the benefit of the doubt. This isn’t meant to be a rant, this is me realizing an obvious lessons too late.

This post You Can’t Change Them, No Matter How Much You Care first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU

As far back as I could remember, I never liked politics. It was always something the older people talked about that acted as a cue for me to leave the room. And I was pretty confident it would never change. But then Russian invaded Ukraine.

Invasion

I hated history in school. I studied it as a subject for 5 years in my schooling. Yet, I was as illiterate on history, as I was when I started. And I believe it’s because I was never really taught history, I was taught what points to remember to get good grades. I was never taught to appreciate history and the culture surrounding it, it was just a subject where you can score good grades. But the importance of history is undefinable, it is the basis of everything we do. The laws we follow, politics, our culture, the economy and so much more. History teaches us why things are, the way they are.

I was so engrossed, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The Invasion of Ukraine, by Russia, was something no one saw coming. I didn’t think much of it at first, to be completely honest. I was ignorant to say the least. But as things escalated, and it quickly did, to the level of people questioning a world war. I had to know more. “Why was Russia invading? What does Putin want? Wait, what is NATO?” and so the rabbit hole went on. And yes, I didn’t even know what NATO actually was. I’ve heard it in conversations but didn’t bother understanding it. In the subsequent weeks I was keeping up with the invasion, but I also started getting invested in other political affairs like, the relationship of Hong Kong with China, UK leaving the EU (BREXIT), the Taliban takeover of Afghanistan and of course about Putin and his greatest threat Alexis Navalny. And all this was just the tip of the iceberg. These were the issues that made a big splash, but there are thousands of comparatively smaller issues around the world affecting thousands of people. 

To understand each issue, you needed to know the history behind it, because most issue don’t sprout out of the blue, these are issues deep-rooted in the history of the people affected. The same goes for the Ukraine Invasion. Putin believes Ukraine is a part of  Russia, which it actually was, more than three decades ago pre Soviet Union collapse, but they gained Independence in 1991. This is crucial, as Putin didn’t just decide to go to war suddenly one day. This was a result of decades of false belief and a madman. And of course Putin’s hatred towards NATO. Issues such as these are happening all around the world, and I’m here ignorantly sitting in my comfortable bubble. It made me feel pathetic, helpless, ignorant and sad. That’s when I realized the least I can do is educate myself.

One thing I noticed in myself when I started following these issues was that I was growing more pessimistic day by day. Seeing the horror’s of man’s greed for money and power makes one see the worst in the world. I was loosing faith in humanity. That is why, even though the importance of knowing the political climate has dawned on me, I still don’t want to be the type of person that is glued to the news channels, waiting for the next scrap of information. I believe it does more harm than good. For the time being, I’m less interested in knowing the current headline and more interested in knowing the story behind it.

This post How The Ukraine Invasion Changed My Perspective On Politics first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU

There I was, sitting alone in my room on New Year’s Eve, with nothing to do except sit in this eerie new feeling that started to creep in that night. Existential dread was something I wasn’t familiar with but was aware of. But nothing could have prepared me for this feeling. It was, I imagine, like you took the red pill in the matrix, you start thinking about everything and nothing, every decision you’ve made and every decision you’re going to, all at once. I hated it, I hated it so much. It might have been because I hadn’t left my house for a year and had no plans for new year’s because of covid, or because I was burnt out from playing games and had nothing else to do, or maybe it was something completely unrelated. All I knew was, I wanted that day to end.

That’s how my year started and as you might have guessed, I didn’t have much hope for this year. But to my surprise, that was actually my lowest point and things slowly picked up. As the days went by, I was looking for something to do and that’s when I weirdly got into movies and started obsessively binge-watching ever critically acclaimed movie. And when I say binge, I mean it. I was watching 3 movies on some days, and within a few months, I was sitting at 100 movies watched. And I wasn’t just watching movies for the fun of it, I was trying to see them in a critical point of view. The cinematography, sound design, art direction etc. are some of the things that, like most, I took for granted, but I’m now paying more attention to. As you can tell, I love movies and I would like to post more blogs related to movies next year. I’ve already posted one named “Why I Stopped Watching “Ending Explained” Videos” (read it HERE).

Video games made me love reading, is a phrase that you don’t hear often, but is one that’s true in my case. I was never a reader, and it’s something that I never thought I’d get into. But I hold The Witcher games dear to my heart and when I finished it, I wanted more Witcher. So I bought my first ever book, The Last Wish (and later Sword of Destiny). After reading these books, and a few others I borrowed from my cousin, I finally thought I’ll commit to this new-found hobby and bought a Kindle. I thought I would be addicted to fiction books, but to my surprise I found comfort in self-help books. I know that can be an unhealthy rabbit hole to fall into, where you, rather than being content with who you are, you get stuck in a perpetual state of feeling like you’re never enough. But I try to avoid that by keeping my currently reading books varied. But buying a Kindle was one of the best decisions I made this year, because, it made me read more, which in turn made me think, which I always appreciate.

As watching movies makes you want to be an actor and watching YouTube makes you want to do it full time, when I started reading I inevitably wanted to write. So I started blogging, and it’s been helping me lay out my thoughts. To know how it helped me, check out the post called “How Blogging Helped Me Make My Thoughts Clearer” (read it HERE). I’m not used to writing down how I feel for other people to see, so it’s definitely been an experience. Furthermore, I do feel like I’m being pretentious and redundant at times, but so far I like writing. But like every new hobby I’ve tried, I don’t know if this one is a phase or something I would commit to. But blogging has only helped me, and I would like to keep that going.

There were a lot of things that I didn’t mention which happened this year, like how I quit every social media (read it HERE) or how my Engineering exams were happening behind all this throughout the year which took a huge chunk of my time. But overall, this year had its ups and downs, but it ultimately taught me a lot about myself. This year was one filled with self-reflection and self-improvement, and I’ve changed a lot towards the end of the year, and I’m looking forward to the surprises that 2022 holds. And I hope this blog is there to see it

Happy new year’s everyone! And before you go, here’s a glimpse of my 2021.

Song used – Oscar Anton & Clementine – nuits d’été

This post 2021 first appeared on R1CHU and is written by R1CHU